Empathic Parenting

...I would like to free you of your compulsive workaholism, your "breadwinner" fixation. But I can't share that load unless you relieve me of some of the burden of homemaking and child rearing. Can you learn to work less, earn less, spend more time with the kids -- and be happy? If you can't then I can't be happy either. Can you stop measuring yourself by the size of your paycheck?

I want to be an equal partner with you in supporting our home and in building a world. I think I should work, but I don't want to betray myself in "liberating" myself into the marketplace. I know I have to learn how to cope with competition. But I don't want to be infected with it, as you are. If my professional advancement is going to depend on conforming to the male model of achievement (compulsive-accretive production, narrow specialization, manipulation of data, the ability to walk over others on the way up, "chutzpah" and hustling, a cool and stoic demeanour), then I would be a fool to remake myself in your image

. Your institutions are like your automobiles -- extensions of your ego. So pervaded by the masculine consciousness that they have become lethal instruments, harmful to all forms of human life. Your hospitals, schools, universities, governments and churches are all corporations, factories. All in bondage to the idea of male supremacy, that might makes right and wealth dictates policy, where workers are excluded from ownership and decision making, and profit becomes synonymous with survival. Most of your institutions are still modelled on the plantation -- a few privileged white male professionals supported by a huge substructure of underpaid, underprivileged, largely female labour force...

...I'm tired of lobbying for shared responsibility, equal pay, promotions and job opportunities. Women have always wanted these things, unless they've been brainwashed beyond repair. We won't get these things, however, until men realize that they have to give up something -- power, advantage -- in order for us to be equal. Until you promote women's liberation, there won't be any. It isn't going to happen by natural evolution -- your present position is too comfortable. You play the "anointed" role, as if authority always had to be given to the oldest son. It might be easier to take if you simply acknowledged the lust for power and the insecurity that underlies your need to be in charge. But you keep referring your status to some fundamental principle of cosmic order, or worse yet, as God's plan for the human species". The possibilities of human destiny, human structures and human relationships are infinitely more varied than this. Stand back and let the future unfold.

But let us not be naive. The mere presence of women in new jobs, in management positions - in greater numbers -- is not necessarily going to make a difference. Misogyny and patriarchy run deep, in women as well as men. Much more fundamental changes in social structures are needed if human personas are to develop to their full spiritual maturity...

...Change will no doubt be more precarious for you than for me. It will be a more lonely, more alienated path. In shedding the husk of your reflected masculine glory, you will discover what many women already know -- what it means to be a no-thing. Women in the process of a consciousness breakthrough usually experience rage and frustration. Our behaviour is often overtly anti-male. Men undergoing the same process will experience more of a feeling of loss. Anger and resolve motivate a woman to sustain her changed consciousness and evolve new relationship patterns. As she withdraws from male hegemony she will often discover the support and encouragement of other women who will reach out to her in her struggle. You, on the other hand, are likely to suffer the loss, not only of the women to whom you can no longer relate in the old way, but also the loss of your male buddies -- because you have betrayed the masculine code. You will be alone, you will be tempted to revert to the old patriarchal and macho scenarios. You have everything to lose by continuing the struggle; I have everything to lose by giving it up.

I want you to know that I understand what is a stake for you. I want you to know that I can support you in that death and rebirth process -- it is the price of reclaiming your humanity and your own soul. I can be your companion. My conversion to feminism is an unfinished, incomplete experience unless it leads to your liberation. We can walk beside each other and support each other. We need not be spouses -- in fact, it might be better if we weren't. Believe me when I say that I want you to be different ( in spite of the fact that I sometimes behave instinctively to the contrary). If I give up my princess ways, will you give up your princedom?

I know I will have to steel myself to accept the consequences. If you begin to take on more responsibility for home and children, I will have to sacrifice some of my matriarchal prerogatives there. If you begin to shed the "team" mystique at work, take a stand on sensitive issues, work fewer hours, I will have to bear with the consequences in loss of promotions, lower pay, job changes, whatever may come. I'll have to bear with insecurity and loss of status without putting guilt on you. You'll have to stop putting guilt on me for abandoning the "imperial motherhood" role in the home and the Girl Friday role in the office...

...Perhaps the most difficult change of all will be admitting that neither of us can be all things to the other. If we are married, we will have to allow others to be a part of our lives, individually and together. We will need more than other supportive couples, mirror images of our own dyad. I will need women and men as friends; you will need men and women as friends. We have to be committed to this transformation. These changes will come slowly and painfully. We will have to bear with different rhythms of growth in each other. We will have to persevere in them in spite of the pressures of society. We will have to explode and upset our life together, occasionally, in order to find new ways to keep ourselves growing. This commitment to each other's liberation and growth should be our best reason for being together. If that is not a part of our continuing compact, then even if I love you, I must leave you...